Fun(ny) things

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Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. ~ Sir Winston Churchill

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[henry]

another funny thing is to google the #1 billboard song the week of your birth. mine is Hoop-Dee-Doo by perry como ...henry

[Liz]

I have to share this while I'm here.
Its an e-mail from my niece called *offend everybody*

OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
 The same  as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover  ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
 Because  it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden  retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their  personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10   years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45  minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
 Through his  chest with a very sharp knife.   

Why do men want to marry virgins?   
They can't  stand criticism

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because  those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  After  a year, the dog is still excited to see you
 -
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of   
driving.

Why  don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? 
 Because  they have cotton balls. 

 What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
 A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was  pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace  will do that to you.
 


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts  don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A  different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They  named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
 other?
A  speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying  at
 half-mast?
They're   hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a  northern zoo?
A  southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
 cage along   with... 'a recipe'.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell  *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
 fairytale?
A northern  fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern
 fairytale begins  'Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap....

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No  one's tall enough to go on the good  rides
 

[henry]

 

[jimtzu]

at least you still have your sense of humor (or shall i spell it humour?) Liz   

[jimtzu]

check out these illusions, especially Lucy in the sky
http://www.illusionsciences.com/

[jimtzu]

Words with meaning
 

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.


EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.


RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.


SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.


SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.



TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

[Michael]

Is this cool or what?!


Virtual Ball Pit from Kevin Atkinson on Vimeo.

The wobbly effect!
the flowy-fluid effect!
The wavy effect!
The freaky time-shifting effect!

[jimtzu]

Holy flashback, batman... too coolio   

[Michael]

Funny but not:

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done folks!

[Michael]

Examiner:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

Student:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this building.' "

[jimtzu]

a couple of good one's Michael..  the spin one is all too real (and works in reverse as we've seen)...  the barometer one is a good example of Occams razor!

[jimtzu]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a v ery fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew   County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell
Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible

[Michael]

Emergence

.

[Michael]

The Amazing Lyrebird of Australia

[Michael]